I will spend my day today in prayer. I will love on my kids, my husband, and show kindness to anyone I come into contact with. I will not share the gory photos. I will not share the gory videos. I will not go to my usual place of panic and fear. I will not allow myself to feel the churning in my stomach of “Who’s next???” I will not lie awake tonight (hopefully) with terror in my heart, and hopelessness washing over me like a 30 foot wave, rendering me me useless to my family. I don’t know what tomorrow may bring, but right now, this is where I am at. My heart is hurting for Las Vegas.
I don’t choose these actions because I do not feel, or do not care. It is quite the opposite. I. Am. Just. Tired. Do you know what it feels like to battle anxiety for 32 years? I am 37, but it started when I was around five. Maybe it was witnessing the Challenger tragedy. Maybe it is in my blood, because my 5 year old now shows signs of panic at loud noises, booms, airplanes, and thunder. That hurts as a mom–seeing your child slowly start to realize that the world can kind of be a scary place…but I digress for now…
For years I have fought this battle. I am able to manage it pretty well now via a supplement I started a little over a year ago, but every time I make the mistake of scanning the FB “trending” feed, my heart skips a beat, then drops into my stomach. I can’t bear it anymore, so I just stopped looking. But now, today, it can’t be ignored. And while I know it is selfish to even think those words–let alone say them–I know that I have to keep emotionally level for my children. I have to be 100%. I no longer have energy for the round-the-clock fear of what is next. “What about my children?” “What will happen tomorrow?” “Will there even BE a tomorrow?” Scroll your feed for heartbreaking story after heartbreaking story if you like. Scroll for gore and violence. Share it to your page if you want. I am sure there are hundreds of videos of “The moment that it happened!” but personally, I am tired. I am weak from the sadness of it all, and if you are like me–very empathetic, and very prone to anxiety–you immediately put YOURSELF at that outdoor arena. You put your CHILDREN there, you put your LOVED ONES there, hurting, bleeding…dead. And they never leave. The mental images don’t go away, so you are stuck in a mental state of sadness and terror for yourself and those around you when you weren’t even there. Your mind is trapped in time. It is hard for people with anxiety to separate sadness and empathy from panic and hopelessness. The two go hand in hand for us, so sometimes we have to distance ourselves from it all in order to function and care for ourselves and those that we love. We have to shut it all out, turn off our devices, hug on our babies…and just LIVE. Someone has to make breakfast. Someone has to teach them. Someone has to kiss boo boos, read stories, play with them, and smile with them because they don’t know what the world is like…yet…And maybe they will be the ones to change it someday.
We are not being insensitive. We are still praying, but some of us are just so, so tired. So, if you see silly posts from me today, or things that are completely unrelated, or seemingly unimportant, please remember that my heart is with Las Vegas too, but sometimes I need to put on my emotional oxygen mask in situations like this. I cant’ be 5 years old. I can’t be too afraid to breathe.
I will leave you with one of my most favorite (albiet “easier-said-than-done”) Bible verses:
“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”
Be blessed today friends, and be kind. ❤
Question: Are you telling your kids about today’s events? If so, how? Please share in the comments. This is a place of non-judgement either way.
(For more info on what I use to manage my anxiety, visit my main website, click on “Shop” then “Lifestyle” and you can read up on the Confianza supplement. 💚)